Life Like Mine

The tooth?! You can't handle the tooth!

2012-02-08T13:00:00.001-06:00

For the past month, our 6-year-old son’s loose front tooth had slowly begun creeping upward until it was sticking out from his gum at a 30-degree angle, morphing him into a hillbilly Jerry Lewis. With a lisp. It would have been cute if it didn’t appear to lower his IQ by 40 points every time he opened his mouth. “It’s not coming out,” my husband whined one afternoon. I shrugged, “It’ll come out.

Thinking outside the box

2012-02-02T16:31:00.000-06:00

So I began my day wearing two different shoes. Good news: I noticed before I left the house for work. I'm-an-idiot news: It was only AFTER I walked downstairs and noticed my right shoe was clicking on the hardwood floor louder than the left. I'd like to say they were at least the same color. Nope. My son had a more productive day, building a Valentine's Day box. Out of plastic blocks.

Born under the Sign of Darth Vader

2012-01-21T10:29:00.000-06:00

Gabe has a history assignment he's working on regarding historical events that occurred the day he was born. So I pulled out the newspapers and magazines we archived from that momentous day. Among the publications was TIME Magazine. Staring at us from the cover was this: Can you believe it??! Wow. This explains a lot regarding our son's Star Wars obsession.

BOOM!

2012-01-20T10:12:00.000-06:00

Watching television last night, we witnessed a couple of scientists mixing chemicals, resulting in a large foaming explosion. My six year old son: 'Mom, is that chemistry?' Me: 'Yep.' Son: 'I'm gonna be a chemist when I grow up.' Oh. Dear. God.

Classics never go out of style

2012-01-15T09:52:00.000-06:00

Over 20 years ago, my college roommate gave me the most awesome Christmas present: a Jerry Rice jersey. The Niners have been through some lean years since. So this season has been fun. So much, in fact, that we decided to go Old School for yesterday's playoff game against the Saints. (in my defense, clothes on dogs are as useful as tiaras on dolphins. I don't dress dogs in people clothes;

Oh, my little robber baron

2012-01-12T11:02:00.000-06:00

(Hasbro Co.) As a parent, my job is to raise my child to become the best person he can be. Impart knowledge. Share wisdom. Teach him to take on the world and kick a little you-know-what along the way. Take no prisoners. You know, but in a nice way, so everyone doesn’t hate you and want to spit in your eye and share your most intimate details on YouTube. Sure. It sounds great on paper. But what

Leave a legacy

2012-01-09T15:57:00.000-06:00

My dad would have been 66 today. Crud. That seems young, doesn't it? And he's already been gone over 4 years. All I can say is make the most of your life, treat your loved ones well, show the world a little compassion. Thus, you leave a legacy no matter what age you say goodbye.

Welcome to Bed-lam

2012-01-05T07:19:00.000-06:00

OK, parents, where do you stand on the whole "Make Your Bed" rule in your house? In this one, I usually let it slide on school days. I believe that getting him up, dressed, fed and away from "Phineas & Ferb" by 7:30 a.m. is a miracle. Unlike General Custer, I've learned to pick my battles. So I could only chuckle at this sight this morning: Seriously. Did a bomb go off during the night?

No Nerf guns in chess

2011-12-29T09:00:00.001-06:00

Playing chess with your 6-year-old son? Awesome! Getting beat at chess by your 6-year-old son? Well, that’s just humiliating. There must have been a mix-up at the hospital when he was born. It’s quite possible because I was in labor for an entire season of “American Idol.” So I was pretty out of it by the end, and all my cognitive reasoning skills had left the building along with my ability to

Action figures UNITE!

2011-12-21T06:52:00.000-06:00

The house's other residents decide to take matters into their own hands.

Playing lights out!

2011-12-20T08:05:00.000-06:00

Zach and Bob must have been watching Monday Night Football last night. Go Niners!

Only five more to go

2011-12-19T07:04:00.000-06:00

The elves were festive this morning. The best part about this? Only five more to go before the little buggers head back home to the North Pole for a year....

How elves are punished

2011-12-17T08:45:00.000-06:00

Santa goes old school when punishing a couple of sneaky elves for recent events.

TP Elves

2011-12-15T21:49:00.000-06:00

Me: If I have to do this Elf on the Shelf crap, I'm gonna have fun with it...ergo.... My husband: What a waste of a perfectly good roll of toilet paper. Venus. Mars. And a galaxy between us.

Elf Wars

2011-12-14T21:01:00.000-06:00

There's a good chance my son's head will explode when he sees this in the morning....

Chucky's Christmas of the Damned

2011-12-14T13:00:00.001-06:00

Don't be fooled by the cuteness.... “I can’t find the Elf on the Shelf.” I bounced around the kitchen nervously, like a junkie on the third day of rehab, and wrung my hands in panic. Gut-wrenching desperation shot from my eyes. My husband looked at me and asked with a complete lack of compassion, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Love. It’s a beautiful thing. I grabbed him by the shoulders and

Elves on the Shelf meet Thelma and Louise

2011-12-12T08:12:00.000-06:00

Apparently Zach and Bob had a little too much (spiked) eggnog last night and tried to Thelma & Louise it off the second-story balcony.

Cookie monster

2011-12-11T10:23:00.000-06:00

The children in our son's class was asked to do something nice for their neighbors, so he opted to make cookies for a few residing in our 'hood..... Gingerbread men were on the menu However, Bear was not too happy to see them packaged up and headed to other homes... Getting ready to make deliveries Good thing we kept a few so she would have a snack. ;)

Holiday favorite: Misted toe and other holiday favorites

2011-12-09T11:00:00.001-06:00

This column is more recent but will never get old in our house.... "Misted toe and other holiday favorites"(originally published Dec. 24, 2010) “For claymation, that’s one hot chick.” OK. Not a sentence a gal hears her husband say every day. Not even mine. I could only shake my head and ask in disbelief, “Did you really just say those words? Together? In a row?” I snorted and added, “I think it

Holiday Favorite: Light my fire

2011-12-07T11:00:00.000-06:00

To celebrate the holidays, I will share some reader favorites of festively themed columns in the next few days. Sure, I could write a whole bunch of news ones. But I'm old. I'm tired. And I just don't want too. Sue me, Santa. :) "Light my fire"(originally published Jan. 1, 2007)It’s never officially a party until somebody burns down the house.Or at least tries to. *** I spent three frenzied

Special effects

2011-12-03T08:00:00.001-06:00

(courtesy of Warner Bros.) My six-year-old son, while watching "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix," asked me, "Do the actors really have to kiss each other?" Me: "Yes, they do." Him: "They need to create a special effect so you wouldn't really have to kiss a girl." Apparently there aren't enough special effects in the wizarding world that would make a first grader kiss a girl for real.

Superstar!

2011-12-01T08:00:00.001-06:00

I just had to share a photo of the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration's newest venture: Canine Creations, Cookies from the Cloister. The dog featured on the front is the beloved canine of the Sisters who live at the Clyde, Mo., monastery. This is Maggie. And the reason this is such a special photo is because it shows what wonderful things can happen to an animal that receives a second

At least it didn't have chunks

2011-11-30T13:24:00.000-06:00

“Hands down, nastiest thing I ever saw.” My husband’s voice echoed through the phone as he drove down the highway a day after Thanksgiving. Considering what he’d just told me, I was more than a little surprised he was so calm about the matter. Me? I’d be losing the contents of my own Thanksgiving dinner right about now. “Let me get this straight,” I said, “you were passing a car on the highway

The not-so-wonderful toy

2011-11-16T13:00:00.000-06:00

“Uh, I really have no explanation other than the Internet is an evil place.” My husband looked at the gnarled mess of metal coils hanging from my fingertips, pointed and said, “You just killed the slinky.” Oh, well. There’s a first time for everything. *** Twenty minutes earlier our six-year-old son had asked a simple question, “What kind of tricks can you do with a slinky, Mom?” He bounced

My little Top Gun

2011-11-15T13:06:00.000-06:00

My little Picasso created this masterpiece for me yesterday in honor of my favorite movie. Yes. "Top Gun." Go ahead. Judge me. I really don't care. We don't all have to be "Citizen Kane" or "The Godfather" lovers. Sure, they made cinematic history but neither one included a kick-ass volleyball scene. Just sayin.'

Don't skate me 'cuz I'm beautiful

2011-11-02T12:00:00.001-05:00

Rule #1: Never let a girl ride your skateboard. Rule #2: Never let your old man ride it either. Rule #3: Mom is always right. Even if she is a girl. *** “I wanna learn how to ride a skateboard,” my 6-year-old son announced. I laughed, “You already do. I just watched you tear down the driveway on it.” He did it sideways, somehow breaking all laws of physics and reaching the end without falling off

Call me Columbo

2011-10-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

“What the heck are you wearing?” In front of me stood our 6-year-old son. At least I think it was our son. Hard to make sure considering his head was covered with a white Clone Wars trooper helmet from the “Star Wars” series. Which wouldn’t be that big of a deal if we were, say, at a Halloween party, Skywalker Ranch or a frat house on a Wednesday. Not a college football game on a sunny, Saturday

Tailgate team

2011-10-24T13:43:00.000-05:00

Alumnus Jamaica Rector (Left) Class of 2004, visited with Vinnie Vaccaro, Class of 1973 (Center) and other tailgaters. Rector is saying hello to Jon Baldwin, Class of 1988, (Right) and his son Gabe, 6, on Saturday. Rector was inducted into Northwest’s Hall of Fame on Friday night. Photo courtesy of Maryville Daily Forum. My guys made the front page of our local newspaper today for an article

Well, they both start with 'C'

2011-10-12T07:32:00.000-05:00

"My friend got caught by a cuckoo bird." OK. Not something you hear every day. Not even from my 6-year-old son. "Uh...what?" was my eloquent response. "Yeah!" he answered excitedly. "Right in his sock. A cuckoo bird!" And....that's when it dawned on me. Anyone who has spent time in the grassy prairies of the Midwest this time of year knows what I mean. Cockleburr: Not cuckoo bird: (

Darth Bearcat

2011-10-09T16:17:00.000-05:00

Only my son can go to a football game and come home with a Star Wars Clone Troopers helmet. The team we visited yesterday was celebrating its homecoming. During a break in the game, Gabe noticed a student walking around with this helmet (one must assume it wasn't part of his usual attire; probably part of a homecoming parade entry/costume). In any case, Gabe told the guy he'd always wanted one.

Confession is good for the soul, but only if you're 6

2011-10-05T14:00:00.005-05:00

My 6-year-old son leaned in close and whispered in my ear, “Don’t tell Dad I hit his new car with my scooter.” He shrugged his shoulders in a “golly gee whiz/what’s a kid to do?” kinda way, grabbed the handle bars to his scooter, hopped on and pushed off, leaving with a clear conscience, a smile...and the chocolate chip cookie he stole right outta my hand. Little stinker. Now before we all get

Sometimes life deals a crippling blow

2011-09-14T09:21:00.002-05:00

After I lost my Chaser, aka Wondermutt of West Edwards Street, to cancer last year I didn’t think there was any heart left to break. I was wrong. Visiting our local animal shelter just about kills me. Thunderous barking rolls through the hallways in an avalanche of sound that shakes your very soul. The cats’ mournful meows and tiny paws slip through the cage doors, desperately reaching out for

Garage Movie Theater

2011-09-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

When the new car's sound system beats anything else in the entire house? It means you're watching television in the garage. Gabe is taking it easy, watching a movie while his dad figures how everything else works.

He's no Dick Butkus

2011-08-31T19:02:00.000-05:00

“Word on the street is you play with Barbies.” My six-year-old son’s super sweet smile quickly turned into a violent sneer. He sprang from a three-point stance - arms up - and rammed his entire body into my chest, knocked me over on my keister and landed on top of me in a pile of arms, legs, fists and fury. “Atta boy!” I patted his rear in universal football speak for “good job” since a

Pinky swear

2011-08-27T08:59:00.001-05:00

An interesting development occurred at Gabe's annual eye check up yesterday. Important to note: Gabe's eye doctor has been with our family for generations. Literally. His patients include Gabe's grandma, grandpa, dad and me. In fact, he has been my husband's eye doctor since my better half was almost Gabe's age. At the appointment. Dr. Eye Doctor asked Gabe if he had a girlfriend. He answered

Sweet addictions

2011-08-17T20:00:00.001-05:00

I opened the door and said, “The first step is admitting you have a problem.” Standing in the garage, guiltily holding three grocery sacks of freshly picked sweet corn in his arms, my husband immediately threw up his Dutch dander. He lowered his shoulder and muscled his way past me, through the doorway and into the kitchen. He dropped the bags on the counter and snarked, “I do not have a

Do NOT try this at home...just at the lake

2011-08-16T10:26:00.000-05:00

The surly bonds of earth

2011-08-09T07:30:00.001-05:00

Four years ago a piece of my heart was snatched away in an instant. I love you, Dad. And I miss you. You were a gentle giant with the heart of a warrior. Unfortunately, that heart wasn't strong enough to keep you here with us. Someday. Someday we'll meet again among the angels. Until then, my memories give me comfort and my heart brings me joy each time I look at my beautiful son. My dad is gone

Perfect perspective

2011-08-03T20:00:00.005-05:00

(Copyright - Angry Birds/Rio Mobile) Life is usually just a matter of perspective. But things really start going downhill when the 6-year-old boy and the parent have two totally different views of the same situation. All bets are off, and it’s quite possible someone’s head will explode. *** It was a massacre, and only the dog was happy about it. I heard the shouting from three rooms away and

Dewing the N Paw

2011-08-01T11:49:00.000-05:00

Yep. You can definitely tell the natives are restless and ready for Northwest Missouri State University Bearcat football to start. Nothing like making the logo out of stacked Mountain Dew packs to get the heart pumping for the season to start. This pic courtesy of my good friend, Jody Strauch, who snapped this at our local Hy-Vee store.

Don't quit my day job

2011-07-25T16:56:00.000-05:00

(Warner Bros.) Never take employment advice from a 6 year old. Driving home the other day, my son announces, "Mom, when you retire from the monastery, you should look into inventing hands that shoot electricity like Count Dooku's. 'Cuz that would be cool!" Uh. OK. I really love my job and don't see retirement in my near future...but it's nice to know I have something to look forward to.

Who let the dogs out?

2011-07-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

It was hot. Scorch-off-the-first-three-layers-of-skin kinda hot. When the 90-degree temps feel more like 110, and you don’t breathe the air so much as you drink it. People stumbling by in muggy stupor, yelling, “It’s hot!” before ducking into the closest air-conditioned retail oasis in order to draw a full breath before passing out and becoming a fleshy, speed bump on the sidewalk. And don’t be

Picture Perfect

2011-07-19T07:44:00.001-05:00

We need a little help deciding what picture will get the coveted portrait spot above the fireplace. Which one do you like best? Now, this isn't a mantle contender....but I wanted to share. This is Gabe getting Wolfie ready for his photo. He's telling Wolfie to smile. So cute!

Potty training and a child's logic

2011-07-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

Never doubt a child's logic. After my husband stomped inside one day and announced to our dog, Bear, "You need to find another spot to do your business. You're killing the yard!" Quickly, our 6-year-son said, "Why don't you potty train her?" My husband, with a frown on his face, announced, "She is." Gabe shook his head and answered, "No, I mean to use the REAL potty. Like inside."

Strut Your Mutt dog walk and festival

2011-07-16T10:43:00.000-05:00

Bear and I are spearheading the inaugural Strut Your Mutt dog walk and festival to benefit the New Nodaway Humane Society. Sunday, Sept. 251 to 3 p.m.Beal ParkMaryville, Mo. We're looking for vendors, sponsors and entertainers to help us make this a first-class event. FUN for people. FUN for dogs. FUN for everyone. Maybe you're a pet groomer, have a pet-sitting service, train animals, make

Bottoms up!

2011-06-30T09:56:00.000-05:00

So...how did your day start? ....Yep, that's great and all. But let me tell you about mine. All in the span of 45 glorious minutes: The little guy wants waffles for breakfast. No big deal. Leggo My Eggo is our morning mantra around here. So I head to the basement to check out the waffle situation in our chest freezer. I open the lid and promptly yell, "$hit!" Everything was a dandy, lukewarm

A not-so-Nobel Prize

2011-06-27T13:51:00.001-05:00

So my just-turned-six-year-old son tells me yesterday, "I'm gonna be a scientist when I grow up." Curious, I asked, "And what will you do as a scientist?" He quickly answered, "I'm gonna switch a person's DNA with a dog's." OK. Putting aside the weirdness factor of that planned project, I was enthusiastically WOWED to learn my soon-to-be first grader even knows what DNA is. I'm a little fuzzy

Where the bodies are buried

2011-06-24T13:17:00.000-05:00

So this was our yard after the Slip-and-Slide incident. Fortunately, it's been a couple of weeks and the grass has begun turning green again and my husband found his sense of humor. Recently overheard during a conversation with our neighbor: Neighbor, (pointing to The Spot): What happened there? Husband, (chuckling): I've got to tell Kelley to stop burying the bodies in the back yard. Funny

Mexico. Mexico sounds good.

2011-06-23T09:37:00.001-05:00

It might have been the glorious color of bright, golden sunshine and promise hours of summer fun for kids of all ages, but it was - without a doubt - an instrument of the devil tossed out of hell to land on our sunny yard one hot June day. “Son of a b----!” I yelled then quickly looked around to see if my husband had heard my outburst. So far, so good. ‘Course, he hears me yell that particular

Honey Bear

2011-06-12T11:14:00.000-05:00

Out of heartbreak comes happiness. It's been 11 months since we brought Bear home with us. She's like Chaser in so many ways, but she's completely her own puppy. She's SO affectionate. It's true what the experts say: Rescued dogs never forget. Bear wasn't abused in any way at her first home. Her owners gave her to us because there were just too many other four-legged friends vying for attention

Almost a year ago...

2011-06-11T14:57:00.000-05:00

At times it's hard to believe that just a year ago we were dealing with this. At the top of the photo you can see Chaser's right paw and the tumor that took her beautiful life from us. Other times? Feels like she's been gone forever. Years since I've heard her boof at the birds or roll over on her back to sunbathe or chase a tennis ball. I still miss her as much today as I did the last time I

Put me in, coach

2011-05-27T12:21:00.000-05:00

There’s nothing that separates the men from the boys more than the first T-ball practice for 6 year olds. Especially when we’re talking about my husband, Mr. Assistant Coach With Dreams of Grandeur. Five minutes before the first practice: “Our boys will be solid - and I mean SOLID - on the fundamentals,” he bragged. “Catching, throwing, hitting. They’ll be all-stars in no time.” Five minutes

Creep out kids, I will: Yoda goes old school

2011-05-18T08:42:00.000-05:00

So my 6-year-old son is having a Star Wars/Clone Wars birthday party this weekend. And no party is complete without kids using big sticks to destroy things, so a pinata was in order. I'm too cheap to buy one, so I channeled my inner craftiness. And for those who know me, this was indeed a challenge. I don't own a glue gun, sewing machine, scrapbooking kit, Bedazzler (they still have those?) or

Make new friends

2011-05-17T10:28:00.000-05:00

Our Golden, Bear, made a new friend over the weekend...a frisky little bulldog named Brewster. Proving - once again - that you can learn a lot from dogs: Take your time. Get to know each other first. Sometimes you play offense. Sometimes you play defense. But at the end of the day, it's all about the love.

Temper Tantrum Triage

2011-05-13T15:37:00.000-05:00

Our 5-year-old son is left handed. I know. It’s not a crime. And it’s not his fault because both of his parents are southpaws. But it does make things a little more complicated in the right-handed world we live in. So when the little guy needed a new baseball glove, we knew it wouldn’t be an easy fix. There was - after all - approximately 847 baseball gloves for sale in our small Midwestern

Happy Mom's Day

2011-05-09T12:59:00.000-05:00

Like most moms...I'm usually the one BEHIND the camera. So that's why this pic is my favorite Mother's Day present. It's a rare photo of all three of us. My boys took me out to celebrate my birthday, and we treated my mom-in-law for an early Mother's Day. Family? It rocks.

Another chapter closed, but the story still continues....

2011-05-02T13:40:00.000-05:00

(photo by Thomas E. Franklin) A sincere 'thank you' to all those involved in dealing a major blow to terrorism.For once, it's not Democrats vs. Republicans. People of many parties, many faiths, many races worked tirelessly to bring this day to the American people.This morning, I had to remind my 5-year-old who OBL was. In a way, I'm glad for that. Here's hoping his generation never

Fly, be free!

2011-04-28T11:45:00.000-05:00

I stared straight into the face of death. Two eyes opened wide in a blank stare. Soulless, bottomless pits of inky blackness from which no light - or life - would ever escape. Corners of the mouth peeled back in a frozen grimace like a clown from the circus of the damned. Time stopped. My heart ceased beating. The breath trapped in the vault of my chest, preventing the scream that threatened to

Where do you cry?

2011-04-18T17:12:00.000-05:00

I've been blessed with a wonderful life. Great parents. Amazing friends. A terrific husband and a kid who blows me away with his talents, smarts and humor each and every day. And don't forget TWO beautiful Golden Retrievers, a great job, good health, a roof over my head and food on our table. But there are days when life sneaks up on you, reaches down and grabs your soul. For me, it's

Let's hope the oak don't croak

2011-04-16T11:25:00.000-05:00