Party like it's...March?

Who knew March was such a party month?

Granted, St. Patrick’s Day, the day dedicated to drinking beer and soiling yourself in public, typically gets all the attention.

But - God bless the Internet - a brief search has also revealed the following:

March 2: National Old Stuff Day.

No, it’s not about making fun of grandma or displaying that block of cheese stuck in the fridge since Nixon was president or reminding your husband for the 346th time that he once drove off and left you in a parking lot. It’s about trying something new, letting your hair down and getting jiggy with yourself.  Oh, wait. That probably just works for whatever type of person gets jiggy with himself. Sounds like an easy way to be charged with indecent exposure and given a weekend stay at the local jail.

March 3: If Pets Had Thumbs Day

Our Golden Retriever manages just fine without those extra digits, thank you very much. Give her opposable thumbs, and we might as well throw in the towel and let her take over everything. I tried that once. Not giving her thumbs, of course, but sat her down and explained the responsibilities of being in charge. After hearing the words health insurance, mortgage and colonoscopy, she immediately concluded life is better as a dog and abandoned her evil plan of taking over the world on West Edwards Street.

March 5: National Multiple Personality Disorder Day

What? We have another excuse besides PMS?! Rock on.

March 8: National Be Nasty Day

OK, is this like Zsa Zsa Gabor or Janet Jackson? Because there are days I could go either way. Perhaps I should revisit that Multiple Personality Disorders Day....

March 11: National Worship of Tools Day

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume this has nothing to do with a man’s...er...privates. We live in Missouri, not Nevada, and that kinda stuff is illegal here.

March 13: National Jewel Day AND Earmuff Day

I sooooo wanna combine these two holidays! Grab a glue gun and go wild. Maybe make something pretty enough Princess-to-be Kate What’s-her-name will wear for the Royal Wedding. What? They don’t do that kinda stuff in England? No more beheadings or imperial tyranny either. Stupid old England.

March 14: National Pi Day

A day to honor the number 3.1415..er...9...then there’s a 2...I think...no...maybe it’s a 7. Anyway, Pi, that glorious magical number that guys with pocket protectors everywhere think unlocks the key to, well, I’m not quite sure. Maybe who built the pyramids (aliens) or discovered fire (aliens) or created duct tape (again, aliens).  Let’s just safely assume the answer is always aliens, OK? It’s a hell of a lot easier than remembering a number with no end.

March 15: National Everything You Think Is Wrong Day

Now, does this mean that everything I think is wrong? Or does this mean that everything everyone else thinks is wrong? I’m confused....

March 16: National Everything You Do Is Right Day

So, if things go horrible wrong on March 15 (seriously, how can they NOT?), you have a do-over to make up for all the stuff you pulled the day before. It’s like Undo for people.

March 20: National Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

Grab a Speak & Spell and ask ET for a ride. Pack snacks, and make sure you get Frequent Flier Miles. After all, you should get a little something for your efforts besides an anal probe and a foggy memory.

March 25: International Waffle Day

Wait a minute. My five-year-old’s head just exploded. After inhaling a toaster waffle every day for the past three years, he finally has a reason to justify it.

March 28: National Something On A Stick Day

Just because your neighbor stole your newspaper or the bagger at the grocery store forgot to sack your hemorrhoid cream (again), this day is NOT for skewering people.

March 31: National Bunsen Burner Day

Finish the month with German chemist Robert Wilhelm Eberhard von Bunsen (Gesundheit). He’s the dude who perfected the device that could catch your hair - or lab partner - on fire in chemistry class. Where else can you mix air and flammable contents next to a guy who flunked the SAT because he filled in the dots to spell out MY ARMPIT SMELLS LIKE CHEESE?