Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Don't skate me 'cuz I'm beautiful

Rule #1: Never let a girl ride your skateboard.

Rule #2: Never let your old man ride it either.

Rule #3: Mom is always right. Even if she is a girl.

***

“I wanna learn how to ride a skateboard,” my 6-year-old son announced.

I laughed, “You already do. I just watched you tear down the driveway on it.”

He did it sideways, somehow breaking all laws of physics and reaching the end without falling off the board or breaking an arm.

I don’t I understand it. But I won’t argue with it either.

Plus, he WAS wearing a helmet. I’m not a complete moron of a mom. No matter what anyone (my husband) says in public.

But I digress....

My son sighed and said, “But I wanna learn how to ride it for real. Do tricks and stuff, you know?”

I shook my head, “Oh, I don’t think so. Why don’t you try something a little safer? Like skydiving. Sticking your finger in a light socket. Or running with scissors.”

He scowled, “But I didn’t think I was allowed to do those things.”

I nodded as if taken by surprise, “Well, how about that?” I paused. “I guess you will NOT be doing any of those things.” I not-so-sincerely patted him on the back and added, “Why don’t you run into the house and sit quietly in a chair?”

And...if a 6-year-old knew anything about flipping the bird, one would have been flying in my direction right about now. 

Instead, he grabbed his board and did what any fast-thinking first grader would do.

He ran for Dad.

***

“I’m 47 years old,” my husband moaned as he limped carefully into the kitchen, “and I’m too old for this skateboarding $h**.”

A good wife would have immediately jumped to his aid, grabbed ice bags and a bottle of aspirin and had him sit on the couch. Soothe his brow, make him a nice lunch and let him watch football and drink beer for the rest of the day.

(pause)

I think we all know there’s a better chance of monkeys flying outta my rear before that happens.

I snorted and said, “Let me guess. You were riding his skateboard. And fell.”

He grimaced and rubbed his not-so-very-derriere. “Right on my ---,” he whined. 

I’d like to say I was above gloating, better than saying “I told you so.” But, alas.

I. Am. Not.

“Told you so,” I said.

And his response?

Apparently a 47-year-old has no problem flipping the bird.

***

My son ran into the house, breathless with excitement after his very first skateboarding lesson.

OK. 

I had folded like cheap origami on the whole skateboard lessons thing.

So we found a nice skateboarding college student who could teach him a little better than my husband had the (lack of) ability to do.

I laughed at the enthusiasm our son usually reserved for “Star Wars” and SpongeBob and asked him, “Was it fun?”

He nodded hard enough to send his little blonde head into orbit, “It was awesome!”

I looked at my husband. He was smirking at me. 

That’s never a good thing.

He smiled in a Cheshire Cat/you’re screwed kinda way and told our son, “Tell Mom what the first lesson of skateboarding is.”

Our son immediately snapped to attention ala “An Officer and a Gentleman” style and recited as if presenting orals for a postgraduate degree, “Never let a girl ride your skateboard.”

Seriously? Sexism? In skateboarding?

That’s soooooo not fair.

I immediately put on my huffy pants and said, “What kind of nonsense is that? I want my money back.”

My son shook his head sadly and answered, “That’s just the way it is, Mom.”

He ran from the room, leaving my husband to explain, “Apparently his teacher’s girlfriend took his board for a ride and chipped it. He jokingly told him that if he wanted to keep his board in good shape, he’d keep girls away from it.”

Some lessons are priceless.

Others apparently cost $10.

In either case, I just got ripped off.

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